Aggression

How normal is it?

When someone is feeling very angry, scared, annoyed, or frustrated, they may act aggressively. It could be spoken or done, and as such, it could hurt someone physically or mentally. Some examples are pinching, hitting, yelling, saying mean things, biting, or scratching. This is a normal part of growing up for most young kids: they will act mean sometimes. A young kid may be angry because their toy was stolen or because they feel left out. They may also be angry because they are anxious or need attention. What's hard is that they can't figure out how they feel, which is where the adult comes in.

A child needs an adult to help them figure out how to talk about and understand their tough feelings. Because they haven't learned what anger is yet, kids who feel it a lot are likely to find it unpleasant and hard to handle.Adults can help them figure out how they feel and how to deal with it without saying or doing things that hurt other people or themselves. It's our job as adults in the child's life to help them control and manage these feelings. As a result, the child becomes less angry because the feelings aren't as strong.

Young kids may not yet know that their actions can bother other people, or they may not be able to feel what other people are feeling. Adults who are thoughtful and loving can help kids learn and feel safe enough to care about other people.

Ways to go about things

Try to figure out what the child is going through. Have they been having a hard time with any big changes in their lives? Do you think they need help to feel safer or more seen?

It can be hard to deal with your child's anger when you're stressed, hurt, or angry. We can't figure out what's going on if we're worried or stressed, so the first thing we should do is try to stay calm.

After you answer, think about what might be making the child feel this way. While you tell the child to stop, explain what you think is going on for them. I know it hurts when someone takes your toy, but we don't hit them.Give them a hug.

You could get them to run around, dance, stamp, or scrunch up their face or hands and let go of the physical feelings. You could also find a distraction, like having them look at the clouds and count them. But don't use bribery, like giving a child candy to get them to behave better, because this can make them more likely to behave badly again.

Figure out what's making them angry and stop it. For example, you could ask them how it feels or where in their body they feel it (for example, "Does it make your head feel funny or your heart race?").

Sometimes all you need to do is be close and calm down while the child blows off steam.. Tell them you're there for them and make sure they can't hurt themselves or anyone else. This could happen in the same room or close by, or there could be more space between you and them to make sure they are safe and know they can reach you if they need to.

Make the kid feel like they are not alone and that their behavior is a problem. This does not mean they are bad people, though.

We all need to ask for help now and then. You could get this from other people on your team if you work in a nursery, from friends or family if you're a parent, or from another professional as well.

Helping parents and caregivers

As adults, sometimes we learn what we're feeling and how to calm down by having someone interested in us and giving us words to describe those feelings.

After some time and with help, we can understand how they feel, talk about them, and be safe with them.

Parents and other adults who care for children may find it hard to remember them if they didn't get the help they needed when they were younger or if these parts of caring for a child test them.

Not only that, but it's also hard when they are stressed out themselves, like when they are shopping for food or worried about money or having problems with their partner.

When you think about a child's bad behavior, you should also think about how the parent or caretaker is feeling. Is the child having a hard time, or is it the parent or caretaker? Who has less patience? The kid or the parent or caretaker?

You could also ask the parent or caretaker to think about how they might have dealt with their child being angry in the past. For example, had they handled a situation in a way that made the child think that being mean would get them something good, like attention?

Looking at how you feel:

If you are a teacher having a hard time dealing with a child's bad behavior, you might also want to think about some of these questions. You might find it hard to remember how a child feels when they are being physically abused. This could apply if the deed painted you or another child or adult. The first thing that might come to mind is getting back at them. It's important to be aware of that urge and then act in a healthy way.

It's important to still talk about the pain you've been through, but do it in a way that keeps the child from feeling too ashamed. Being mean to the child verbally may also make it hard to keep thinking about them. Some of the things they said might have hurt you or shocked you, like if a little kid swore.

Tips you can give to a parent or carer

Being mean to others, either physically or mentally, is a normal part of growing up. As adults, we need to help kids deal with their "big" feelings.

Find out what's going on with your child and why they might be mad. Are they worried about something? Do they need a little more of your attention?

Help your kid figure out how to name and understand how they feel. Say something like, "I know it hurts when someone takes your toy, but we don't hit people."

To help your child get over being angry, you could tell them to run around, count to 10, take deep breaths, scrunch up their face or hands, and then let go.

If your child is acting out, taking care of them can be hard and make you angry. Pay attention to how you feel and try to stay cool. Take a deep breath and try to figure out "why" it's happening and how you can help them the most.

Do not change your rules. While it's good to be interested in how they feel, that doesn't mean you should give in when they do. Say, they might be very upset that they can't go shopping with you and buy sweets. Talk to them about how upset they are in a cool and gentle way, but make it clear that's not what you're buying on this trip.

Don't act the same way again. If someone hits you, don't hit back. If someone says something mean, don't say something mean back.

Talk to a health worker or doctor if you are ever worried about how often or how badly the aggression is happening.